Not a day that has been that easy in the past. But maybe this one is different. It is sort of happy... parked up in peace, 500m from the only woman i have valued fully for some years. And do love.
This is not a blog.
For a fair while - since January 2020, i have categorically been focusing on the only thing i feel i have to do with the rest of my life which is write well about pretty traditional 'psychological' or modern day ways of being.
I know i am pretty good. Though my 'FIRST DRAFT' of many things i have had in mind for years ralphschism.com has been so 'on the hoof' it is laughable. And as yet i am unable to edit and even index various interesting 'insights'
But I also believe in the story - which may even be a fairy tale, that reaches the heart or 'soul'.
There has always really been one problem.
Strange in a way but true, for 20 years i am above all enhanced by love. In various forms. I know i surf the so energetic wave of love. Even if dysfunctional and painfully broken. And it hasn't worked out that i found the functional relationship of equals.
But there is the best love - innocent, perhaps slightly euphoric, boy meets girl and ...
I have rode that love, platonically, or even unrequited, for eight years. I know it is the greatest of all energies. Bizarrely, with a whole range of almost disabilities - from being in the deepest abyss of grief for some years and even when you poke your head out, eventually, still for years more you are a little wounded, to happily never having any spare money, and then other more unusual matters, i have certainly for a decade always found someone to feel some love for. Provisional, always 'unrequited' when occasionally i meet someone i know is 'right' for me, but sometimes i have lived a significant wobbly orbit around ....one another.. even if one way, it rarely is only one way. Love between the sexes is the most powerful force there is - as it should be, and i have also had years of the other kind - absolute love of a child with me.
However... i know one thing also - maybe it is almost selfish or a bit wonky to be in this mode, which is that i am at my best- or rather i feel happy - have an extra fulfilment, if anything i may write may sometimes be appreciated by one close to me or one i love. I have had that briefly at a distance - by communication with someone once significant years ago..once from a year ago some appreciation of words, from the most valuable woman i have encountered for many years (the only one i am clear i wished to marry) - and a real 'equal', but never in a relationship.
And i dont enjoy - or just cannot quite be fully alive and energised in writing unless i have hope that one day that may be the case- living with someone who also shares some ideas and may value my own input into the world just a bit. As i do in respect of a woman i first encountered in late autumn last year.
And still do.
I need that at least on the horizon. If it cannot beher, well...maybe i will chance across someone else...
I avoid the rather limited word 'muse', nope i just like the fellowship in having a happy helpmeet. It makes me able to be more, myself. But i know i am not selfish. In that the notion of 'muse' is maybe rather one way...i don't feel good about one way - even if we may have to persist with a 'one way' thing.... to bring it somewhere more two way
It may never be possible that person is my life...wife... everything - purpose; and some days i feel energised (in hope there will be that person) others not so...
And that is my only problem in life.
I have been liberated the last year ONLY by her even if she hissed metaphorically. Liberated to share everything of myself past and present. It is good. That alone is a useful story. I know what universally useful stories are.
So, i shall attempt some support gathering now- money - only to write. About other past insights first and other stories. My needs are simple minor daily needs. Having dedicated a year full time to only her ... only.... finding a bridge to her, and failing, i simply am behind the curve. But soon i shall try serious efforts to get maybe grant funding, maybe crowdfunding....
Now i should say!
No more time to not do what may be a good thing. We cannot know. I believe in magic of sorts....
This page will be my main new place to write anonymously - but my identity is quite open - ralphschism takes you to my personal name website
Fresh start. This time simply for perhaps readers who may be able to help and value quite prosaic but poignant takes on life.